| The penny at the bottom of the jar. |
|
|
| 11:34pm 11/11/2005 |
| |
mood:  giggly music: CNN Headline News with the voice of Anderson Cooper.
|
I wonder...about the mood selection at the bottom of the entry box. Do you record your mood before or after you've written your entry? And if you do select before you type, what about your feelings after you've finished? Writing is cathartic, so your feelings could have changed drastically- unless you denote the change, no one would know.
That seemed irrelevant, if only slightly.
(Earlier today...more like 12am)
Moondance
Oh, what a day I've had--what a week! I don't know if I've ever been so...pleased with life as a whole. Living truly is good right now, without all the extra drama and craziness; it's crazy enough with all the work I've been doing.
Garular! Everytime I get around to penning my feelings I don't have enough flavor left to write them down. I spend all day savoring the essence of an emotion or thought, chewing on it, rolling it around in my mouth until the taste is gone and all I have is bland grey byprduct. So alas, I can only tell what my tired, tasteless, day-old memory will divulge.
As important as it is, I can't give my stories much order. There's so much sordid, broken background that I sometimes forget where I started and where I meant to end. In any case, I feel...
...like a young woman. A blossom on a tree branch opening for the first time. It is an extraordinary feeling. And what prompted it? A strange boy who sits behind me in economics class. |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| Super dees! |
|
|
| 11:24pm 04/11/2005 |
| |
mood:  cheerful music: Postal Service "District Sleeps Alone Tonight"
|
It's been way long time since I've updated this thing that I don't even recognize the new format features. I'm sorry Meredith that I haven't written here, but I'm uber busy these days.
Um, I can't summarize all the super spank things that have happened. I went on 3 college visits, one last month, one two weekends ago and one last weekend. They were super dees. I can try to summarize each visit and my impression of the college.
Amherst (Amherst, MA; Septmber): MY FAVORITE TRIP. My mom came with me, but I only saw her on the plane- not at all during the weekend. Everyone there treated us (the 91 visiting seniors) like adults. I LOVE being treated like I'm an adult. I LOVE being with so many people within my intelligence range. I LOVE COLLGE PARTIES!!!!! There was a dance party just for the "pre-frosh" and it was SOO much fun, my host and her dormmates let us borrow their clothes for the party. I don't want to show the picture they sent me cause I don't like it so much, but it was crazy fun. I loved everything about Amherst, the food, the dorms, the classes, the area. Amazing.
Swarthmore (Swarthmore, PA; October 21-24): OMG, what a pretentious place. I stayed in the dorm that is the school "propaganda symbol" lol in the uppermost right window on the third floor, that was my hosts' room. It was a kid gorgeous school on the outside, but inside it was hideous, like some people. When we arrived, instead of having the officials joke around and relax us (like at Amherst), they gave long, loser speedhes about how important their school was!!! You'd think they were Harvard or something!! Since they had nothing for us to do for hours, we (me, Jenny, Liz; all from Sacramento) decided to go to Philly and visit the Ivy League of the area, UPenn. It was SPANK. I was suprised to see how chill the UPenn kids were in comparison to the uptight Swarthmore ones. Also, Swat has "closed" racial groups, so if you want to be in the Latino culture club, you have to be Latino. I was pissed and annoyed about that- I was told the reason for this segregation was so "the students can discuss matters of race in a safe environment". Well, if your school is having SO many race problems that you need to have special groups to deal with the problems, then you're having serious issues.
Williams (Williamstown, MA; October 28-31): Tucked into mountains covered with the varigrated patterns of fall, Williams was cold, but not as cold as Swartmore. Or maybe I could be wrong, I brought a coat to Williams but not to Swat. In any case, I knew I didn't want to go there before I came. Although ranked first by US News & World Report, Williams isn't tops in my heart. The only reason ppl go to Amherst (their rival) instead is Amherst has PEOPLE. Williams is an hour from Albany, NY (the nearest airport) and is basically situated nowhere. I can't even get my hair done for miles and miles. Or SHOP. Or go to other colleges' parties. I'm sure they had a great plan, but they didn't plan a good weekened either, and no matter how adventurous we got, all we could do was fool around in the monkey bar carrels in the library at 2 am and piss off studying students. That was fun <3.
I've cut my application list down considerably, to 4 schools: Amherst, Brown, Wellesley, Harvard. I'm not applying to anymore Ivies because they're pretentious and snooooooooty from way back (they have a legacy of snootiness!). Yale is just wannabe Harvard and isn't ashamed to admit it. Princeton tries to mask their snootiness. Dartmouth segregates and has fake surfer boys IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. I would love to visit Dartmouth for the 4% Native American population, though. I think that's cool, that they give Native Americans scholarships, but not that they keep them separate from everyone else.
Oh, my Spanish Club is going to Mexico (hopefully Spring Break) and I may be going to Panama this summer to visit my aunt. I met 3 foreign exchange students: 2 from Germany and 1 from Macedonia. They're so great and so different! Kai, the German skater/football player, is baaad lol but I like him. Aida from Macedonia is a sweet big sister and a great friend.
What else...I did pretty well last term on my report card. I think I have 3 As and a B, but that counts as an A, seeing as its' AP English Lit. So my GPA should be...(drumroll)...
4.25!!!!!!!!!
I like the looks of that!!! And as soon as I get rid of the stooopid Stats class, I can have an even HIGHER grade! Then it would be 4.33 again, the highest I've ever had. I haven't had that since 10th grade. I know I can keep my GPA high this term- the only real class I have is AP Statistics! Then (in order of difficulty) is Creative Writing, Economics, and WALKING. Yes, I have PE, but I'm going to be excused for the next week due to my hip.
Idk what the heck is wrong with my hip, it feels like its' out of the socket, but it isn't, said the x-ray. My mom thinks I have arthritis...? It runs in my family. I know my hip hurts a lot and it makes me sad :o(
If I think of anything else, I'll write it later. I'm really busy these days....
Oh yeah, I'm getting braces. Whupty-dooo! |
|
| |
|
(1 Object x | <3) |
| |
| WHO INSPIRES YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| 06:03pm 14/09/2005 |
| |
mood:  bouncy music: RHCP "Can't Stop"
|
It's really hard for me to write cold, to the point that I usually don't do it. That's why I don't write much. BUT, if something happens to piss me off or suprise me or make me HAPPY, then I've got to write immediately, right then, ASAP, or I'll lose my thunder. Because writing is all about thunder- if you ain't got it, then it ain't worth it. Why write if you aren't passionate?
So the theme of this year is sex. Why the hell is everyone talking about it like it's the greatest thing that ever happened? I can know what it is without having to experienece it. Jeex, all my teachers are talking about it ALL THE DAMN TIME, all my friends keep talking about it, writing about it, there are ppl getting married, there are people doing it, and I'm hearing all of it. It's so unnecessary.
There are too many words for me to say how I feel about this. It scares the sh** out of me that people are so interested in it. Last week in newspaper class we all sat down and had a big discussion about it. Why? Edgar's sonnet for AP Eng. It was SO nasty. The imagery was very 2nd grade (he metaphor'd birds and bees for goodness sakes!), but it was WAYYYAYAYAYAY sexual. Everyone felt the need to delve into their sex lives and talk about when they lost their virginity and with who. All the girls complained about how they've been having sex with all these ppl, but it's nothing like they thought it would be.
I need to expect this sort of thing. Everyone and their grammaw is doing it, no matter how innocent they look. Appearances are paint for the vase with the airtight seal made from rubber cement.
I can't believe how much I've grown in such a short time. I can't put my finger on what's different, but it's so different I wonder how the hell it got to be my life.
And the college applications keep coming in the mail, daily they harrass me, those colleges! Next week I'm going to Massachusetts for my first free college visit, and I have to finish my application for my other free college visit by Monday. I can just say any random thing and it's loved by whomever hears it.
I feel like school was never out. It feels like it's going to last forever, but in a good way. Every day is something cool and new and different. I wish I could hold on to this feeling for later, put it in a ziplock and hide it for a rainy, poopy day when everything is going unright.
Thank God, everytime something is going wrong, He rights it for me! I have a huge mondo 5 to 7 page essay to do on a Robert Frost poem, and everyone else has to do a poem as well, but they keep pushing the dates back b/c things come up!! ISHT HAPPENS. And some of it's good.
I left my belt in the english department staff bathroom. <3 |
|
| |
|
(1 Object x | <3) |
| |
| Leave me the **** alone |
|
|
| 12:19pm 26/08/2005 |
| |
I'm tired right now of ppl saying stoopid shyte to me. I don't want to hear any more dumb sh** today, alright? I better not have any problems like this at the party. I was doing just fine today til my dad starts in with "Tori, I want you to apply at UC Berkeley. Stanford or Berkeley are the best places for you." How the (*$&% does HE know what's good for me anymore? He stopped talking to me years ago. All we do is argue. I have no desire to go to college in CA. I don't even like Cali that much. I'd like to go to a diverse college. I've worked ridiculously hard in school for 12 years so I could go wherever the hell I wanted to go to college. I'm SICK of being told where to go and what to do and who to speak to. F*** it.
I'm serious, I'm not taking this shiza next year. I've put up with it long enough and I'm going to do what I feel like doing.
Damn..I was having such a good day, too. Right up until dumb ppl came and bothered me. |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| ElkGroveStarWarsParkingLot |
|
|
| 12:13pm 25/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  frustrated music: Coheed and Cambria "WELCOME HOME"
|
That's what I was thinking yesterday when I was so queasy I had to leave my food burning on the stove. I am so sick. I can't believe this.
Everyone else who's had their wisdom teeth removed never had it this bad. They sleep for a day, wake up, feel bad for a day, then get better. I have barely slept or eaten in the past 4 days. I don't sleep unless I pass out. I can't chew or close my mouth and I'm swollen like a chipmunk.
Lord...I wish I could cry or throw up- if it would make me better. I'm so frustrated..I can't finish my summer work or go anywhere or do the things I need to before school starts. Damn them for having picture day the second day of school!
I feel terrible, but I'm so afraid because I don't know what's wrong with me. Earlier this week I thought I was getting better faster than anyone else had; I was finishing my work at an amazing rate and it was good and I wasn't hurty much or swollen at all (it was the day of the surgery). I stayed up and gone done with one of the four packets, and I felt great. Then yesterday I felt like SHIZA and I still do. I can't even smell food or water cause it makes me want to toss up. It's hard to swallow.
...I wish someone would talk to me. I feel like a goddamned invalid, I can't do much for myself b/c I'm high. I'm sorry I make my parents worry when I tell them how I feel. They keep trying to get me to lie down, but that just makes me feel worse. I didn't get how serious the situation is until this morning. I didn't care before, I just knew I needed to stop swelling and hurting so I could go to the party/the fair/the beauty shop/school/etc.
I'm so hungry and tired. Now my dad is yelling at me to take a shower, but I couldn't even eat yesterday, much less wash my hair, so what the hell does he think I can do? I can type, but my hands shake. I can think, but the thoughts are insanity.
I wish someone could knock me out and when I wake up I'm healed. I pray all night that I get better so I won't have to be a burden on anyone.
It pisses me off so much that everyone else is enjoying their last week of summer vaca and I'm struggling to live. I want to go to school SO BADLY. This would be the only chance I get to go somewhere in a long ass time and I have to be ill. THIS IS MY FIRST HIGH SCHOOL PARTY. I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A PARTY IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I'M A DAMNED SENIOR. |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| Souchers |
|
|
| 10:04pm 23/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  hungry music: Kenna "Vexed and Glorious"
|
Because soucher sounds much cooler than stitch. I had 4 wisdom teeth taken out yesterday, and I've been feeling weird ever since. Yesterday I was babbling madly b/c of the laughing gas I was given.
Now I feel great! I discovered I'm allergic to Vicodin, cause my throat was closing, I itched all over, I was dizzy and nauseous; but I was so muddled from the med that I didn't think it was an allergic reaction til I read the description paper that came from the pharmacy.
Where do all roads lead to? I'm getting philosophical since I have a bit of free time to type. "Changes are no good" say The Stills, but I LOVE changes! Change is a great part of life; without it, we'd be stuck in monotony forever.
Shelly was borne of a burst of passion rooted in loneliness and despair. I can admit that, and I can look at it for what it was, and I can leave it in the past. Passionate bursts are great, but they can't be broken off so quickly like so many twigs. You have to ride those things out, or they will fight you and be ridden out longer than you ever imagined.
"I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving"
- Postal Service "District Sleeps Alone"
Change lets you see your world in a new light, b/c you are no longer the same, nothing around you is either. It's that restart button. I love it. I can see so much more when I look behind or upside down or between things.
I miss solid food! The closest thing I've had to it is french fries. My mom bought a carrot-raisin-walnut muffin from Mimi's Cafe (MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE) and ate it while I had Jamba Juice in a spoon on a day so hot it was mostly melted. Its remains are in the freezer now. It didn't taste like much of anything this time...the new ppl working there can't make them good.
Excitement runs rampant across this page, this format can't even straddle all I'm feeling right now. There's so many reasons why I need to tell you what I shall, a moment and nothing less of your time will be spent listening, enraptured in my very verse, hanging onto my word as if it was the last string on the last cliff on the edge of the world, while beneath you lies the deep darkness of ignorance and the unknown.
I haven't eaten in hours, but it feels like I have lockjaw, so eating would be a tremendous effort on my part, considering the ppl that helped me are going to sleep.
Freeeek! My front tooth hurts sooo bad! I thought the surgery was supposed to get my other teeth to STOP crowding.
Ah, I'm so glad I'm getting to a place where I'm ok with myself and others. Everything has been going great for a few hours (lol). I'm getting the hair cut on Thursday, my faux-hawk, even though the person stole it from me.
Uh oh...I'm starting to get sleepy...I'm gonna go now. <3 |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| 10:07pm 20/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  crazy music: Junior Senior "Toast Point Song (?)"
|
If I only knew the HTML to make that subject line strobe-like. It would be mondo, I tell ya!
I'm missing the last episode of Paranoia Agent, but it'll come back on later.
Last night my PC crashed, so I had to dig up all my files and put them on a disk before we installed the new antivirus software. What I found today was a REALLY old IM convo of me and Queefstifer, from before we decided to be romantic. It's weird, cause there's SO much I'd forgotten about that time.
Like that I told him I was black 50 times and each time he sort of ignored me. Or he made it a big thing with his friends. Then we had that talk about his racism that went no where cause I didn't know what he meant. I had no clue it was that bad.
And how we used to talk about ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. It was such a long time ago.
And it's weird now, b/c I don't want it back. Well, not really weird, but I don't want it b/c he's not who he said he was. All of that is irrelevant since things have changed so much.
But there will always be things that I miss. Ierno. I want friends, but I'd rather just have a boyfriend. But I don't want a bf cause I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't really want friends b.c I can't remember how to deal with all that. Even when I did have em, it was such a hassle that I didn't keep up. Like now, I won't call ppl and they don't call me and it is what it is.
I'm really excited about going to Mass. I'll be going twice: to Amherst next month and to Williamstown in Oct. The cool-er thing is I got another application from Swarthmore, and they want me to come to Pennsylvania. Sylvan means forest. I REALLY want to go to PA. That would be dirty smack cool. lol I just made that up.
I'm not 100% sure where I'm going in life. I know I'm tired of thinking about it, though. I think more than is healthy for me. It makes me sick and weird. It's not even thought, more like worry.
Tomorrow I'll be furiously finishing my packets and going with Aimee to Office Max or somewheres to fax my permission form for Amherst. I'm so gone, you guys.
And I need some more extracurriculars for next year, so I may start a club of some sort. Awareness for something...adoption? I'd like that. I'd like to do all sorts of issues.
Oh, and I finished my first article for the Sacramento Bee. YAY! It'll be printed when the teen section gets off break.
<3 |
|
| |
|
(1 Object x | <3) |
| |
| Something about stars |
|
|
| 11:32pm 15/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  grateful music: Don McLean "Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)"
|
And starting over. I'm not sure why I'm writing this right now.
All I know is I don't feel like myself. There are times in everyone's lives, I believe, when they suddenly don't feel like who they were the minute before. This sort of time suprised me yesterday after a rather long shopping trip with my sisters, my mom, and my niece. I came home, lay out my purchases, and put them on, like I always do when I come home after shopping. But when I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the person staring back at me. I was on the phone at the time, and I couldn't explain the feeling to someone else, so I didn't. It was so...weird.
Or maybe I felt it when I looked at the stuff I had bought on my bed. They just don't look like my usual clothes. I don't feel like myself right now. I don't know what happened yesterday, but
I'm crossing another thresh-hold. It's like I fell into someone else's life. Like the whole world rippled and shimmered like the ocean when the sun hits the water, blinding me just long enough to put me through a looking glass. And now everything is slightly off kilter. Or more so.
I often wonder what it would be like to live in a different time. I used to wish I lived in the 80s, how much more real life was back then. That was 3 or 4 years ago. Now, I'm falling in love with the 70s. I used to hate the 70s and the 80s, but you know, it's hard for me not to like something seriously.
Just, the idea of being a hippy without the pretense that's been added with renewed popularity. I don't want much, I can live within my means. If I'm in love, I can handle being poor. As long as you're happy and making the world a better place. Money brings problems and responsibility that are unecessary to me. I used to want to run away with someone, but I don't really want that either. If I'm not doing much and someone comes along for me, then we can decide to go together. No need for running. Walking and enjoying the view is much better.
I love Don McLean. His voice carries me away. It's incredible. And his songwriting skills! Terribly beautiful. Heartbreaking. Who else would write a song about Vincent Van Gogh?
There's no emoticon for my feeling right now. Where's the one that's a smiling face that's crying? I couldn't describe my actual feeling in such a small space, not now.
Ah, well, I think that's enough for tonight. One more thing- I got the letter from Amherst, so I'll be visiting both Amherst and Williams Colleges free of charge this fall. Never been to Massachusetts before, especially not alone, but I'll be going. Another reason I'm no longer me. <3 |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| I don't have much time. |
|
|
| 10:07pm 09/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  blah music: Bow wow & Ciara "Like U"
|
I've got 2 weeks before my surgery and Edgar's party and my appt. at the photo place to order my senior pictures (which I already took), and I still have plenty of work to do. One thing that will really lighten my load is dropping AP Physics. I have 0 desire to take that class; I'm not wasting my time on stuff I don't want to take anymore- I'm practically in college. I would fail or drop it later, anyway. I've decided to take Calculus AB instead. That will drive me bananas, but at least I like math. I'd drop that later, too, if I realized I couldn't handle it.
What else? Idk how much time I'll have to spend at Sacramento START next year. I wish I could start helping there before vacation is over, but I'll barely have time to do orientation. I like working with children, that's why I want to be part of the program, but I also heard about another group called "SOL Collective". They're located downtown, near my old HS, and they organize cultural projects and events for the community. It would be a good opportunity to learn about other cultures and see if I really want to be a cultural studies major.
lol Since I'm talking to Meredith about college, I feel like listing the places I want to apply.
Harvard
Wellesley
Amherst
Swarthmore
Dartmouth
As far as I know, that's it. Its sort of in an order, but not really. If I got accepted and I hadn't visited any of them, that would be the order.
The advantages of Harvard are obvious: they'll pay 90% of my tuition, they have incredible facilities and professors, they have the best reputation, they have plenty of money for me to travel wherever. Disadvantages: they have required curriculum, they have large classes, not all the profs are great, it's really competitive so it's hard to stand out, etc. I want personal attention and the ability to take what I want. You know I hate being told what to do. |
|
| |
|
(1 Object x | <3) |
| |
| Every frickin' time |
|
|
| 11:57pm 07/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  excited music: the tv in the other room that my mom is snoring in front of
|
I get to the update page, I don't want to write about anything that's happened. EVERY TIME. I'm not even that angry; more like mild....upset-ness. Disappointed. In everyone.
Lord knows I think far more than anyone should.
(1:34 AM)
Um...lol I've been taking personality tests and organizing my favorites list. Yeah..I didn't find out anything I didn't already know (which was the entire point). Things were affirmed, yadda yadda yadda. I've been working on my HW more. I finally finished my Spanish, to the best of my ability. Now the only thing is putting in all the accent marks for the last set of lyrics. I still have English (one more book to read, 4 book packets, and a timed poem explication/essay) and Physics (the entire thing). I NO WANT TO TAKE PHYSICS!! It seems muy lame. I'm really thinking I'm not taking AP. I want to take Calc AB, but that means all my lunch periods are spent in tutoring again. There's no way I can pass w/out constant tutoring. Physics will be easy and boring as hell. I didn't sign up for AP Bio cause I loathe bio as well. The only science that really interests me is CHEMISTRY!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE CHEMISTRY!!! <3 <3 <3 I wish I could take AP Chem over again just so I could be in there with Mrs. Friedrich and the CHEM. Why would anyone love anything except chem?!
I wish I could sign up for advanced chem at CC. Maybe that's the best thing for me.
OH WAIT, I still have to take a math class for my last year in HS, since it's a requirement. See, it's ridiculous. I should sign up for that chem, even if I drop it it won't cost me anything. Then, I can take Calc too or Physics anyway. And not be so incredibly bored.
I'm scared that next year will bore the pants off of me. I'm scared I'm going to drop all my classes b/c I'm ready to study something I WANT to take for a change and get rid of all the filler classes. I want to be able to focus on important stuff so I can devote my extracurricular time to S.T.E.P., Fashion club, and college apps. I know I haven't been the most active socially in high school. Who the *(&% cares? It matters not to me. I've got memories from some stuff and not from others. Either way, this is neither the end nor my prime. I don't plan on hitting my prime til my 30s. Maybe late 20s. I really can't tell.
I'm not tired right now, but I am hungry. I made spaghettini like I do when I have the ingredients and dad's upstairs/away. It was good, but I only had a little sauce to make it with. And enough noodles for 1 PORTION. So I guess I have to actually eat spaghetti tomorrow...til we go to the store and buy more food <3.
I can't wait til the fair starts! Fair pizza <3. It's the best. I love seeing all the crazy people that come for the fair. I love riding rides (sometimes). I LOVE seeing exhibits and eating free food and looking at all the crafts and ppl selling and telling you things. I like the animal shows too. The piggies are cuuuute <3. And the llamas. Can't forget the llamas. (Although, I wonder how they feel at this altitude and temp?) AND THE CHARMIN SPONSORED BATHROOMS!!!! YEAH!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woot. I'm excited. <3 |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| i'm tired |
|
|
| 11:28pm 05/08/2005 |
| |
I'm not at home, I'm very tired, I can't go home yet. I want to go home so I can do what I want to do.
OMG, I CAN'T GO HOME TIL MY MOM GETS HERE! SHE'S IN SAN FRANCISCO! JUST B/C SHE LEFT HER CAR AT HOME AND CAN'T GET HOME ANY OTHER WAY, WTH DOES THAT MEAN FOR ME?!
I've learned a lot today about relationships and how things work. Since I don't have a lot of people to talk to on my brain wave, I write it down for someone else later. Aunt Philistine and Uncle Red are messed up. While that's not news, finding out how he manipulates her is. I can't believe how clearly the evil comes off of him. He's got her all tied up in his problems and needing him. She's making it even worse, since she doesn't resist or make anything better. Sick all the time, Philistine can barely help herself. I could have been like that, with Bryan, all caught up like a puppet on a string. But he's satan's puppet and he doesn't even know cause he's blind.
Talking of sleep, I had the BEST dream last night. I don't know what exactly happened, since most dreams are quickly forgotten if not written down, but I can recall the major facts. I was sad, but this time I decided to call a hotline instead of sulking. A teen volutneer answered; he comforted me and made me feel so comfortable that I just kept on talking to him, about everything.
(finish later <3) |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| Me and my Janky Machine |
|
|
| 01:43am 28/07/2005 |
| |
Janky is not a good adjective. My PC will not cooperate. I took most of these wee early hours reinstalling Firefox b/c it wouldn't load. It took 3 tries b/c Internet Explorer insisted that the server was switching or something and it had to abort the download. W/e. So I get it on the 3rd try and it STILL is messing w/me! I come here on Firefox and a pop up window talking about insecure connections related to my browser and whatnot and Firefox is once again out of comission. I really don't know what to do with it at this point.
Other than that, I've realized I have plans up the wazoo for the next year. I've made plans for next spring break (trip to Argentina) and that's a little frightening. I'm planning the trip for all Spanish students, but it's still difficult to think I have set plans that far in advance. Ooh, if I get into those diversity weekends @ Williams and Amherst (I want Amherst's the most), I will be so incredibly glad. I need to get out of Sacramento and California for a while. It's stifling my growth.
And I'm considering strongly working at the fair (starts Aug 12th). It would be my very first official job (like I've done any unofficial work). Problem: transportation. I don't drive and the fairgrounds are clear across town- they're on one edge and I'm on the other. I'd be riding the bus for the first time in many years. I really dislike the bus, public transport in general here, b/c I don't feel safe. I rarely do feel safe in an unfamiliar place, especially if I'm alone.
The website is cool, better than it used to be. The theme this year will be "Beach Party". My favorite theme in recent years was definitely "Carnival!"- we stayed until 12am dancing and getting beads (no, we didn't have to flash for them). And there were processions all across the fair grounds about 7 times a day with people on stilts and acrobats and dancers and musicians. Some people don't understand how big the fair really is in CA. We have bands play here that people have actually heard of, famous bands: last year was Maroon 5, Los Lonely Boys, and Ozomatli, this year Hoobastank and others. Apparently I can volunteer with the fair as well as work there, but I'd rather work; I want some experience. Hm...it seems the volunteer app had to be in by June 15th, so I'm too late anyway. :oP
I see that working with the children's exhibits would be the best for me. I love kids! I could also work in the information booth, then I'd see lots of people. The really cool jobs are working on the inside with the A/C in the exhibition buildings. Thousands of people wandering booth to booth looking at all the goods being sold. You can buy eyeglass cleaner, an Indian purse, a wonder mop, and the best smoothie you've ever tasted all in one building! Oh, and you can get your shoes shined as soon as you leave. Idk about my skills as a saleslady. I can work the cash register really well, though.
WHOA! I see the complete list of entertainment for the fair this year. Impressive to say the least. We've got: Los Lonely Boys, Carrot Top, Paul Rodriguez, Macy Gray, Huey Lewis, Hoobastank, and the Wallflowers. Super dees! Although, I've never been to any of these concerts lol. I never know when they are, and when they do happen I can't make it. Cause I can't get a ticket, they sell out quick. I realize now that they start selling tickets in June lol.
Well, I have 2 positions to apply for, and if I don't get them, I can still see about booth jobs. And if I don't get THEM, I'll enjoy the fair like I always do. (YAY!)
Wait...did I even go last year...? I don't think I did!
<3 <3 <3 |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| I wish |
|
|
| 11:49am 25/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  thoughtful music: Radiohead "Everything in its Right Place"
|
I wish there was something I could do. I wish my dog didn't have to be put down this morning. I wish my grandma didn't die yesterday morning. I wish Koosh wasn't sick. I wish I knew how to handle all of this information and make creative, long-lasting solutions to these PROBLEMS.
The dead don't worry or suffer or cry- that's all the people they've left behind. And you're sad b/c you miss them, wonder what you'll do without them. It's shock; of course you're going to live and love and eat and sleep just like you did before, but they won't be there. That's all. After decades, you get used to someone being there. When they're not anymore, it's so confusing on the most basic level. Like waking up and wanting toast but the bread is gone and IT'S NEVER COMING BACK. Dead bread. Like there aren't any more dodo birds or yellow-bellied skinks.
People know it's hard to let go. It's hard to adjust to changes, but it's got to be done b/c life will go on without you. No matter what happens, time will keep marching on, people are born and die every day, things never stop changing. This isn't the sort of thing you can fight, no, your time machines won't make things un-happen, you have to accept that it's a fact and deal with it. What's important is how you deal.
No, I haven't cried or felt sad yet. I feel for my family's loss, but I know my grandma and Kirby aren't suffering anymore; heck, they're better off than we are! You cry at funerals when people die of old age because you feel sorry for yourself. I'm being insensitive and I know it, but why should I gloss over and say what everyone else does? Death isn't sad. If you die, it was your time to go and nothing could stop that. God wants you to end the chapter of your life on earth. There's more after life, you know. I sure as heck don't want to spend 100 more years here. When I'm done, I'll be done and not a second sooner or later. I'm trying to serve my purpose. I may not always know what to do, but I'm not doing a terrible job.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things...I'll post my findings later on. I realize my thinking is ahead of most people my age, but I still make mistakes in reasoning- I certainly don't have the answers to half of my questions. I do my best, and I'll do what's right b/c I don't care what ppl think of me. No one else is going to pay my bills or feed me or take care of me when I'm sick, so why the poop should I care what they think? Even my parents are frequently wrong when it comes to their assumptions about me.
I'm rambling now. I guess I'll go. <3 |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:43am 24/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  hopeful music: Copeland "Sleep"
|
You are my worry
You are the tightness in my chest
The reason I'm short of breath
I'll smother if you drown
Since I'm not your captive
Now I'm not your slave
I'm free to stay away
And I choose to be that way
But I haven't forgotten
And I'll never forget
You're still the one
That I haven't met
Will I ever see those dark eyes?
Will I ever touch your marked hands?
Will I smile when I see you?
Will I frown? Will I cry?
What's next for you, boy?
Where are you going now?
Can you choose the right path?
The one that leads you to
That which was only seen in dreams
I wish I could rock you
Back from sleep
Please don't slumber forever
Beneath the deep
In the gloomy cold
Wherein you've bottled your soul
Admit it, you're not alright
Todo no están bueno
Todo están muy roto
Ántes, Todavía, Siempre
¿Cómo te sientes?
Necesitas ayuda
Te necesito
Te quiero
Te amo
Estoy bien si no me regresas...
Quiero tu felicidad. |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| Fall in love & hold nothing back, oh... |
|
|
| 03:46pm 21/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  discontent music: Copeland "Kite"
|
I will BEAT myself if I ever do the above again. I'm sick right and moody and bleedy right now, and I probably shouldn't be giving any advice, but you know what? @*#^!!!!!!!!!! I just don't feel right.
So everything I say is wrong, says me. Most of what I think is insane. Most of what I do is nothing. Shiza. I don't know how to be. My eyes hurt, my face hurts, my teeth ache. Something is going and I HATE IT.
It's like "Stop the bleeding!!" If only I knew where it was coming from.. Hucklk.
Snapshot. Cockney. Keyhole. Help me.
Son of a mother, oh no....
I'm going to go buy a Copeland CD. I'm not 100% sure why, b/c all it will do is encourage me to seek someone else to spill my soul to, and later, throw my heart at. It's not a bad heart, it's just roughed up from mishandling.
And when will it stop. When I go to college? (no) When I get a job? (no) When I finally get it together? (I pray and hope and pray some more)
I haven't cried in a month or more, but I all times feel like it. I don't know why, but I can't. Tears don't come. So. Maybe I'm not as sad as I think I am. Maybe I'm not sad at all. Maybe I've got a tear duct infection, idk.
I need to go. Away. From here.
BTW: Depressed should have a picture of fool panda, the depressed, flat panda from SAN-X. He's depressed aka pancake flat. |
|
| |
|
(6 Objects x | <3) |
| |
| Gee Golly Gosh |
|
|
| 11:31pm 19/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  distressed
|
I'm tired. Iowanna go to bed. I'm trippin and angry and moody and I just wish I could get the hell out of here. Where would I go? SOCAL. That's for my own purposes, thank you, nothing to do with the person. Since I won't be living in CA much longer I want to see the rest of it b4 I go. I have no desire to ever live in SoCal- I just want to see if it's really what I think it is.
The hell is wrong with me? Everything is boring and whack and I don't want to (this is why I use iowanna- shorter) do it anymore. I don't have the steam I had last month to finish up my summmer work. I don't even want to do Physics b/c I want to take Calculus. I've got 0 passion. If it wasn't for the summer work, I'd have run away or something equally terrible.
So, let's diagnose. Is it anxiety? Is it depression? Is it neurosis?
I miss Ms. Worgum. I was in the counseling office DAILY talking to her about my various problems. Every day. All the time. Thank God for her. Now she's gone. I have her email but I haven't written her b/c I don't want to bother her with all my problems.
I'm not wallowing in self pity, but I am scratching at the walls in frustration and screaming at the top of my lungs, kicking out the windows. Doing everything in my power to get away. I thought going out with friends would make me feel better, but the problems follow wherever I go.
The problem is the people. Idk, I guess I can't deal with people. When someone says something stupid while I'm having a good time, it's usually something so totally off-the-wall that I'm just floored. I'm still traumatized and untrusting from all the other experiences I've had with people when I go out. I don't talk about this stuff to anyone, I don't trust anyone, I don't let anyone in. Yes, it is safer that way. No, I don't think it would work out to do it any other way, b/c everytime I do, I suffer greatly.
Lol I want to say "F*** YOU" to all the fakers in the audience tonight. I could smash all of you. Your game is transparent, but you really think you're smart. It's ok- I know you're not. But knocking someone's walls down like that is what little lonely people do; then everyone's miserable.
But everyone's already miserable.
I'm so emotional, but I usually don't do anything about it. It's to the point now where I just sit quietly and stare. Or sleep all the time. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to fight or cry or struggle. I'm a trapped animal and I've just given up on pulling the chain around my neck. Just lay down and DIE.
Breathing is so difficult. Everything is an effort. I don't eat right, I don't take care of myself; I don't look bad on the outer, but I sure feel bad on the inner.
Even my mom notices there's something wrong. She who is so busy all the time and I know I shouldn't depend on her as much as I do, but I do, she noticed in the car today. When I wasn't talking nonstop like I used to. Or something. I told her I was thinking. I was. I know I wasn't thinking anything positive.
You see, I am very lonely. But I don't think that's the issue right now. I don't know what the problem is, much less the solution. Am I going to have to deal with this in college?
I feel like a desperate housewife. 3 kids, husband, house in the suburbs, monotony, becoming invisible, smothering. Drowning.
I really, really need to be held right now. Badly. <3 |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| The News |
|
|
| 11:15pm 19/07/2005 |
| |
mood: cheerful
|
1) I've applied to both Williams and Amherst colleges for their diversity weekends. If accepted to both, I'd be out of school on Fri and Mon one week in September and one in October. I really want to go b/c it'll be totally free- the airfare, the food, lodging, todo! 2) Next year, I'll be on newspaper staff at school and writing for the Sacramento Bee in the teen section. Coolios. I haven't done journalism since...7th grade. 3) I'm getting done with the summer work...except Physics. Poo on physics! 4) I finished the new Harry Potter at 1:30pm. I was dissapointed. 5) I'm going out on Friday! WHOOO! First time I'll be with friends since school let out. 6) Last but not least, Harvard called me last week. First the student rep was talking about their financial aid initiative (they've sent me a few things on that), then she asked if I had any ?'s. I asked so much lol. She called while I was lying around and feeling poopy, but I IMMEDIATELY felt better. |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| My application statement |
|
|
| 08:39am 17/07/2005 |
| |
Laguna Creek High School
Amherst Diversity Open House Weekend Statement
I’m honored to be invited to one of Amherst’s Diversity Open House Weekends. If accepted, my trip would be full of firsts. I’ve never been very far from my family, traveled alone, nor been to New England. Exploring Amherst on my own would be an incredible adventure, preparing me for the trip to college next fall. It would be interesting to meet my competitors for college acceptance, gain more insight on who exactly is applying to the top schools. Certainly, having all those talented teenagers together in one place for the purpose of analyzing a college they’ll potentially attend, excited and fearful about their futures, will be exhilarating for the visitors, staff, and students of Amherst.
My most significant reasons for wanting to attend a weekend involve diversity. Statistics give a very limited view of how diverse campuses actually are, and no figures compare to seeing the students. I want to witness how well students of different backgrounds interact. Colleges must cultivate diversity, destroy stereotypes, and encourage students to get out of their comfort zones. By attending a weekend, I hope to learn that Amherst is such a place. |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
| YOU SEE THE #S!!! |
|
|
| 02:15pm 13/07/2005 |
| |
mood: excited music: The Music "Into the night"
|
I gots me a myspace, chickens!! It's coolios, I guess. I'm not sure how to make it look great like Erin's, but w/e. Mandy and Erin are the bestest. It was weird how I found out Erin's from Riverside (I immediately thought of Koosh). Who the poop else do I know from there but him and his associates?
WELCOME TO THE NORTH!!!!!!!
"Dakota" is the best song.
I want to write another story. I want it to be good. I like stories. My writing is so spontaneous and sporadic, though, that it’s hard for me to continue a series or thought very long. I’m a one shot kinda girl. I haven’t found a concept that I’m totally smitten with so...I don’t write unless I’m in a mood.
"Into the night" is the best song.
I was looking for some good Spanish music and I found a CD by this Italian guy, Tiziano Ferro. He recorded his album "111" in three languages (Eng, Span, Ital) and I think the Spanish is the best. But he has a song called "Tardes Negras"- that translates as late black females. WHAT THE POOP? What about Neegras being late? I'm no late negra. How rude! Maybe he meant it in another way, b/c it is a love song and he has a beautiful voice. Maybe his chica is some late black woman lol.
OooOOOpty, I have to go visit Pretty Momma at her nursing home. Byees! <3 |
|
| |
|
(<3) |
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
isolde_odette's journal